Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.