dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
How high do the levels go?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
We all have our pet causes.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.