[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.