You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Merry Christmas
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
that colleague who touches your screen
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.