Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.