Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m about to risk it all
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.