Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
You Might Also Like
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it