rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out