I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off