until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES