[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
become ungovernable
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.