I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…