getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…