Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.