My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I feel it
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
a lot to unpack here
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken