Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
DOOO EEEET
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.