My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.