I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Thinking about Jeff
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.