I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation