“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Smile they said.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
An odd boast
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.