The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.