So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.