day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems