[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You Might Also Like
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A ghost story
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun