In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.