Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Social distancing in Australia:
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.