*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Danger is very dangerous
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
greetings!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.