Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Shower sex be like:
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Breaking news:
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
accurate
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.