Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*