Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My work here is done
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.