getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.