Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
looks legit
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.