[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic