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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
the #horror is real!
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My kitchen overserved me.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me