[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”