I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Covid like
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR