I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer