Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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every college guy’s fridge
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Omg 🤣
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.