Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Hit me in the face with a bird
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village