Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.