So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???