Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
There are no pants in heaven.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.