I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.