People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You Might Also Like
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*