Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
How to wake up a Beagle
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.