Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
50 shades of grey = my Liver