The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
You Might Also Like
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation