Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
You Might Also Like
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face