I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You Might Also Like
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.