You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.